The south coast club, who entered administration last month in a bid to avoid being wound up over mounting debts, face an uncertain future, and Stefanovic has claimed that his team is ready to step in at a moment’s notice, should Portsmouth no longer be able to play.

Ready: New football club boss Zoran Stefanovic

It is believed that Stefanovic is attempting to purchase a stadium and training facilities from Chester City, who were recently expelled from the Conference and wound up following their own financial meltdown, and then enter the Premiership as soon as possible. “We are confident that Premiership glory awaits to cover us in the soonness of time,” Stefan FC said in a statement that looked like it had been written by a combination of Google Translate and Flavio Briatore. “If foolish blue team cannot play football then glorious Serbians will do it for them. It is the only option.”

Stefan FC’s grand scheme, however, is not expected to be sanctioned by the English Football Association, who commented: “We already have a set of procedures for vetting new entrants to the Premiership – it’s called the Football League,” a spokesman said. “If Stefan FC want to play in the Premier League they will have to pass over the same hurdles as everybody else.”

Stefanovic was said to be unconcerned by the FA’s comments, and has vowed to start bringing a coachload of players to a Premier League game every weekend until they allow his team to play.

Team CEO Nick Fry, grinning inanely as he confronted reporters at the team’s factory this morning, explained that procedural errors within the team had led to a lessening of pace that saw Mercedes drivers Nico Rosberg and Michael Schumacher finish fifth and sixth at Sakhir, rather than fighting for the podium as had initially been expected.

Sandbagging: Mercedes GP

“Like most teams, during pre-season testing we were holding a little bit of pace in reserve, not showing our hand completely until we got to the first race,” Fry said. “Some teams call it sandbagging.

“The problem came when we got to Bahrain; by the time qualifying rolled around, suddenly Ross realised that we had forgotten to take out all the sand. So our cars were circulating, weighed down by these sandbags and running testing pace for the whole weekend. It’s disappointing because we could have been much quicker if only we’d thought to unload the cars beforehand.”

Because the problem was not identified until qualifying, Fry said, parc ferme regulations meant that the sandbags could not be removed and the team had to race on with them still in the cars.

“Next time out, we will be much quicker,” Fry promised. “Either that or I’ll have to come up with some other excuse.”

Meanwhile, Bernie Ecclestone is said to be “livid” that Mercedes shipped so much sand all the way to Bahrain using his pre-arranged transport, given that the substance is relatively abundant on the Middle Eastern island.

“It’s been a bit strange, having had the garage all to yourself for two seasons before someone else comes along and starts driving the same car as you, sharing your data and your engineers,” the 2008 world champion told journalists after qualifying for the Bahrain Grand Prix. “But I can see the benefit – it gives us a chance of winning the constructor’s championship as well, having two drivers scoring points for the team instead of one.”

New: McLaren teammates Button and Hamilton

Some reporters, confused about Hamilton’s apparent belief that he had competed in 2008 and 2009 without a teammate, approached team principal Martin Whitmarsh for clarification. Whitmarsh responded: “If we’d had a second driver at McLaren for the last two years, I’d certainly have known about it.”

According to the team boss, Hamilton had, initially, been confused about all of the talk surrounding the team’s new signing: “At one of the pre-season tests he came up to his race engineer, clutching his steering wheel. He wanted to ask which one of the dashboard functions was the Jenson button, and what it was supposed to do. A small misunderstanding, and one we were able to clear up quickly.”

Whitmarsh also sought to calm speculation on McLaren’s “neutrality” policy for 2010: “Our neutrality policy will only apply to Jenson,” he stated. “Specifically, Jenson will only be allowed to drive his car in neutral, whereas Lewis will be able to use all the gears. This is standard procedure.”

“Now that the situation with Jenson is understood,” Hamilton continued, “I’m looking forward to the challenge for this year. I’d like to thank the team for allowing me to beat Jenson this year – wait, I’m not meant to say that yet, am I?”

The Irishman, a former F1 team owner, was a pre- and post-race analyst on the BBC’s Formula One programme in 2009, and it was confirmed some months ago that he would be reprising the role in 2010. However, Schumacher feels that Jordan risks tarnishing his reputation by returning to British television screens this year.

He's back: BBC F1 pundit Eddie Jordan

“For me, it is madness,” Schumacher said when questioned on the subject in Bahrain today. “Eddie has already had a fantastic year for the BBC, and really it’s difficult to see how he could do any more. I mean, how many opinions can one man have?

“There’s only a finite number of things Eddie can possibly say before he starts contradicting himself,” the German continued. “And that’s the last thing people want to see – a formerly excellent pundit, now past his best, trundling around in the paddock trying to keep up with the likes of David Coulthard and Jake Humphrey, who are not only much younger but still have plenty left to say for themselves. I really fear that Eddie will simply run out of steam this year.”

However, many of Jordan’s fellow pundits are welcoming the opportunity to work with the Irishman again: “Working with Eddie is always a real challenge,” BBC colleague Coulthard remarked. “But to actually win in a televised argument against him, well, that’s definitely something special – much more valuable than winning an argument with anybody else.

“However,” the Scot continued, “I’m looking forward to beating Eddie in more and more on-screen debates this coming season. This will be my year – I can feel it.”

Most teams send their equipment to Bahrain by air, but Branson’s desire to increase Virgin’s “green credentials” meant that he launched an ambitious plan to transport the team’s cars, motorhomes and spare parts to the season’s first Grand Prix overland, including hiring camels to transfer the freight across Saudi Arabia.

Alternative: Virgin's transport to the Bahrain GP

“Camel is one of the most economical and environmentally friendly forms of transport in the desert,” Branson explained. “We therefore decided it would be a good idea to use these ‘green’ alternatives, given the massive environmental cost of flying all this equipment out to Bahrain.

“Unfortunately it would appear that the Saudis were quite taken with the idea of a camel train of virgins making their way across the country, and have seized our property in order to investigate. We’re hoping that once this misunderstanding is cleared up, we can be on our way and get the cars to Bahrain in time for scrutineering.

“I bet that HRT wouldn’t have attracted nearly this much attention,” Branson added.

The problems caused by this alternative method of transport have led to speculation that Virgin may also be forced to cancel their plans to travel to the Canadian Grand Prix by dog sled.