The mood is tense at the FIA headquarters here in Paris, as the Elders of the World Motor Sport Council prepare to hand down judgement on one of the most anticipated cases to have passed through the courts in many years.

Goody Domenicali of Ferrari stands accused of “using witchcraft and sourcery to interfere with the result of a Grand Prix.” These charges of godless heresy are extremely serious, such activities having been expressly banned for the best part of a decade.

Proceedings opened early this morning, with the accused taking to the dock amid a nervous babble from the gathered crowds. The prosecution opened with a damning question, “Is it not true that you, Goody Domenicali, are in league with the Devil himself?”

An image from the Ferrari trial (artist's impression)

Goody Domenicali denied the allegations, reminding the Court that the person in question “retired last November.”

The Court was disappointed to learn that an accomplice, Goody Massa, will not be attending in person. Upon hearing this the Elders instructed that a ducking stool, hastily assembled on the banks of the Seine, be dismantled.

Also absent today is Goody Alonso, who has escaped numerous similar trials in the past without punishment, usually in exchange for implicating others. Goody Alonso was instrumental in the exile of Goody Briatore last year, who was convicted of conjuring a Grand Prix victory in exchange for the soul of a young, quickly forgotten driver.

Despite the efforts of Goody Domenicali, it appears that there is a long way to go to convince the Court of innocence. The bonfire being constructed in the Place de la Concorde this afternoon suggests that the Court’s traditional approach to justice - that of “guilty until proven flammable” – shows no sign of being abandoned.

The Formula One Teams’ Association have declared that they agree with football fans who wish to see the vuvuzela banned for crowds watching World Cup games in South Africa.

The controversial horn-like devices have attracted complaints from fans, players and officials alike, who see them as an annoyance and a distraction.

“Having watched a few World Cup games on TV, we agree that the vuvuzela should be banned forthwith,” FOTA President Martin Whitmarsh said. “It defies belief that these professional sportspeople are expected to do their jobs in the face of such a massive distraction from the noise generated by these devices.”

The rest of Whitmarsh’s comments were drowned out by the sound of 24 passing V8 engines.

The Mercedes and Ferrari drivers were fighting over ninth place at the end of yesterday’s Grand Prix, when Massa suffered front wing damage after being squeezed into the wall while attempting an overtaking move. The Ferrari driver dropped to fifteenth position and was subsequently penalised for speeding in the pit lane while attempting to change his nose.

Broken: Massa's nose after the wall's vicious assault

“Having reviewed the incident between cars 3 and 7 toward the end of the race, the Stewards have decided that the wall into which car 7 was pushed was in a dangerous position and should have taken appropriate action to avoid the collision,” the announcement read. “The Stewards have therefore resolved to fine the wall USD 10,000 and issue an official warning that if such behaviour is repeated, the wall will be reminded very sternly that such behaviour should not be repeated.

“Moreover, the Stewards have declined to take action on car 3 for the incident, as the driver of car 3 should have expected a more mature and professional response from the wall in question. The Stewards hold the wall one hundred per cent responsible for the damage caused to car 7.”

Ferrari have already lashed out at the decision, with President Luca di Montezemolo particularly outraged. “These new walls are just incompetent and dangerous compared to the old, established walls that we are used to,” Montezemolo whispered, hoarsely. “Perhaps the better teams such as ourselves should be charged with providing extra walls for safer racing, taking the responsibility away from the dangerous mavericks that caused this problem.”

In a separate incident, the stewards also ordered that a strip of grass elsewhere on the circuit be dug up and moved a few metres further back on the track, as a penalty for damaging one of Schumacher’s tyres earlier in the race.

The BBC have revealed their new approach to their coverage of Formula One after the broadcaster failed to win a BAFTA for their programme covering the 2009 Brazilian Grand Prix, borrowing several elements from ITV’s award-winning approach to the sport to secure the support of the British Academy.

Revisions to the BBC’s F1 show, scheduled to fall into place in time for the 2011 season, include devoting 30 minutes of airtime each weekend to examining the contents of Lewis Hamilton’s bathroom cabinet, replacing post-race press conference footage with poorly scripted soap operas, and trading in Jonathan Legard for a tape recording of a befuddled man-child shouting “GET IN THERE!” at uncomfortably frequent intervals.

The new look forms part of our intent to expand the scope of The Runoff Area slightly. The viewership figures for the site have been steadily increasing in recent months, so it makes sense to offer more to keep readers coming back. The main focus of the site will continue to be the satirical news stories that have proven so popular over the last couple of years, now accessed from the front page under the heading “Top Stories.”

However, there are a few new features to draw your attention to as well. The new “Features” section will include a wider range of subjects than has traditionally been covered at The Runoff Area. In keeping with our heroes on other motorsport sites, our Features will cover a spectrum of topics from expert news analysis to meaningless speculation over Adrian Sutil’s sexuality.

“Also In The News” is another item you’ll spot on the front page, which is a place for shorter items – those that are based on photos, or for whatever reason undeserving of inclusion as a Top Story. In particular we’re encouraging readers to get in touch with their own ideas for pieces for this section: if you’ve got ideas for submissions, the Contact page is the place to go.

Finally (for now at least), we’ve been given the opportunity to do a monthly poll of readers’ opinions, based on the traditional structure of the Formula One Teams’ Association, who seek to gauge F1 fans’ views by their annual surveys. This month’s poll, in association with FOTA and Red Bull Racing, can be found on the front page.

More new features and, as ever, unique F1 satire will be forthcoming in the next few months. Thanks for all your support!

Red Andy
Head of Dubious Aerodynamics, The Runoff Area