Games: F1 boss Ecclestone

Often the driver merry-go-round during the close season is figuratively referred to as “musical chairs” because there are inevitably more drivers than remaining F1 seats, but Ecclestone’s idea is to take that suggestion literally, settling who will drive where in 2010 through a version of the popular children’s party game.

With this morning’s announcement that Pedro de la Rosa will drive for Sauber, now just five race seats remain – one each at Renault, Toro Rosso and Campos, and both at USF1. “Now everyone’s pretty bored of waiting for the teams to confirm their drivers,” Ecclestone reasoned, “so it makes sense to just get the whole thing out of the way in one go.”

Drivers such as Kazuki Nakajima, Jaime Alguersuari, Giancarlo Fisichella and Nick Heidfeld are all currently without 2010 seats; they will be joined by potential newcomers like F2 champion Andy Soucek and former GP2 drivers Vitaly Petrov and Jose Maria Lopez to be in with a chance of winning the drives.

“What will happen is that we’ll put all of them in a room, turn on the music and get them to walk around the five chairs in the centre of the floor,” Ecclestone revealed. “When the music stops, they all sit down and the five seated drivers get the race seats. Simple, really. I might even put in on TV. And charge for it.”

It is believed that a similar scheme was tried at Mercedes earlier this year, but it failed when Michael Schumacher deliberately pushed Heidfeld over and stole his chair.

When asked what song would be used for the game, Ecclestone replied: “The Chain. Obviously.”

Too young? F1 driver Jaime Alguersuari

The Spaniard believed he had signed a contract with STR to race for them next season, but so far the Red Bull-owned team have failed to announce him as one of their drivers. Today Alguersuari claimed that being the youngest Formula One driver in history has hindered him, and this may influence STR’s decision over whether to keep him.

“It’s not easy, being both a Formula One driver and a foetus at the same time,” Alguersuari said in a message delivered by ultrasound earlier today. “There were some issues earlier in the year when my fingers hadn’t fully developed, so I was unable to change gear properly, but now I’m coming close to full term and I’m confident that these issues can be put behind me for 2010.”

Alguersuari is due to be born in January – his F1 debut in Hungary last July made him the youngest driver ever to take part in a Grand Prix weekend. The previous record holder, 3-month-old Sebastian Vettel, responded to the Spaniard’s debut by spitting up over his chief mechanic.

STR have yet to comment publicly on Alguersuari’s appointment, amid rumours that ex-F1 driver Ralf Schumacher is to follow his brother into returning to the sport, in a move that promises an alarming level of mediocrity should it come off. However, team principal Franz Tost is said to be keen to give Alguersuari one more chance following his birth, “and if he doesn’t improve I’ll kick him across the garage.”

Though initially of questionable legality, it is now thought to be perfectly within the FIA’s rules for a driver as young as Alguersuari to take part. There have, however, previously been problems at the post-race weigh-in.

Locked out: STR driver Sebastien Bourdais

Bourdais returned to the Nurburgring paddock on Friday evening only to find that the locks on the team motorhome had been changed, and that he had not been issued with a new set of keys. “Some people have speculated that this is the team’s way of telling me I’m no longer wanted,” Bourdais told reporters. “But really, it was all a big joke by some of the guys.

“It’s just their slightly weird sense of humour. I had to sit outside in a cold and damp paddock all night until someone came out for the milk at six in the morning. Honestly, what a hilarious set of events!” the Frenchman added with a nervous and unconvincing laugh.

Bourdais also denied rumours that STR’s reserve driver Jaime Alguersuari had been given Bourdais’ room overnight to prepare him for the experience of the Hungarian Grand Prix, where he is tipped to replace the four-time Champ Car champion for the remainder of the season. “That was all part of the prank,” Bourdais insisted.

Red Bull, who own STR, have a history of playing unexpected tricks on their drivers, most recently at the end of 2008 when David Coulthard was to retire. At the final race of the Scotsman’s career, the Brazilian Grand Prix, Red Bull Racing engineers spent the whole of Saturday night replacing the driver’s special “Wings for Life” livery with little notices advising Coulthard to “Just Bugger Off.” “That was a really funny prank, what a team!” Coulthard commented at the time.

STR team boss Franz Tost has insisted that Bourdais’ “lock-out” was indeed a joke played by some team members. “And if anyone wants to argue about that, I’ll smash their face in,” the Austrian said.

Replaced: Brendon Hartley, left

The 19-year-old Kiwi has found it difficult to escape from the image of a youthful pop star ever since he started racing with a strangely familiar long blond haircut, and reports from Red Bull Racing and Scuderia Toro Rosso suggest that Hartley has decided to bite the bullet and rekindle his music career, where he reportedly “felt more at home anyway.”

“We’re sorry that Brendon has decided to move on from his reserve driver role,” Red Bull owner Dietrich Mateschitz told reporters today. “He will continue to race in the Formula 3 Euroseries in between sessions in the studio with his brothers, but from now on the primary focus of his career will be in producing catchy, insubstantial melodies and attracting unwanted attention from young girls.”

Hartley was only granted his F1 superlicence this spring after delays within the FIA, and this year’s in-season testing ban has meant that he has been unable to add to his Formula One experience, though his presence within the team has been felt. Red Bull driver Mark Webber called him “a real superstar in the making,” while Sebastian Vettel gurgled a little bit and then turned his attention to chewing a small rubber toy dog.

Alguersuari is reportedly delighted at his sudden promotion, and his lack of a superficial resemblance to any 1990s one-hit wonders means that he is unlikely to have a sudden career-based change of heart at any point in the future. “We’re confident Jaime will be fully committed to fulfilling his role,” Mateschitz said.

“Mmmm, bop,” said Hartley in a statement earlier today.

Reality: The STR, the prize for winning the show

The show has yet to be named, with previous suggestion The F1 Factor having to be abandoned in the wake of the news that STR may not be competing in Formula One next year, instead participating in FOTA’s own series. But team principal Franz Tost, who will also act as one of the judges of the show, says that the opportunity of a lifetime still stands.

“We’re looking for a young, talented racing driver who can cope with the pressure of racing at the top level, and of course be physically attractive enough to receive the votes of thousands of European housewives and bored students,” Tost said. “And I would like to take this opportunity to categorically deny that the driver must be named Sebastien if they are to be considered.”

Tost himself is said to fit the profile of a harsh, outspoken judge in the mould of Simon Cowell or Sir Alan Sugar, with added assurances that he is prepared to physically assault any entrant who is not quite good enough to win the ultimate prize.

Competitors will have to face a number of challenges that will replicate actual situations encountered by Toro Rosso drivers, including being lapped, not crashing into more senior F1 drivers while under the safety car, and being shunned by your team who have decided to exercise blatant favouritism towards your younger and more talented teammate. “Anyone who can excel in these challenges will clearly be perfect for us,” Tost said.

The show is expected to tour Europe looking for hopefuls, who will be subjected to verbal abuse from the show’s judges before the field is narrowed to twelve potential F1 drivers, who will face a public vote each week until just one is left to drive the Toro Rosso in 2010.