Team CEO Nick Fry, grinning inanely as he confronted reporters at the team’s factory this morning, explained that procedural errors within the team had led to a lessening of pace that saw Mercedes drivers Nico Rosberg and Michael Schumacher finish fifth and sixth at Sakhir, rather than fighting for the podium as had initially been expected.

Sandbagging: Mercedes GP

“Like most teams, during pre-season testing we were holding a little bit of pace in reserve, not showing our hand completely until we got to the first race,” Fry said. “Some teams call it sandbagging.

“The problem came when we got to Bahrain; by the time qualifying rolled around, suddenly Ross realised that we had forgotten to take out all the sand. So our cars were circulating, weighed down by these sandbags and running testing pace for the whole weekend. It’s disappointing because we could have been much quicker if only we’d thought to unload the cars beforehand.”

Because the problem was not identified until qualifying, Fry said, parc ferme regulations meant that the sandbags could not be removed and the team had to race on with them still in the cars.

“Next time out, we will be much quicker,” Fry promised. “Either that or I’ll have to come up with some other excuse.”

Meanwhile, Bernie Ecclestone is said to be “livid” that Mercedes shipped so much sand all the way to Bahrain using his pre-arranged transport, given that the substance is relatively abundant on the Middle Eastern island.

Superstitious: Returning F1 star Schumacher

Schumacher, who sparked mild amusement this week when asking to be allowed to drive the number 3 car at Mercedes this year, rather than the number 4 as had previously been arranged, has gone one step further with his superstitions by asking that the FIA allow him to win all the races in 2010.

“Unfortunately I’m a very superstitious person,” Schumacher revealed at a press conference this morning, “and in my view it’s extremely bad luck if I don’t win a race. Therefore I’m asking the FIA to consider allowing for this belief by ensuring that I win every race this year.”

The German’s superstitions are already well-documented. As well as this need to win the seven-time champion also believes that good fortune will come upon him if he carries with him during races a hairbrush from his daughter, an amulet from his wife and a steely resolve to drive all of his nearest rivals off the road.

As proof of his apparently ridiculous suggestion that losing races brings bad luck, Schumacher pointed out that the last time he failed to win an F1 race, he subsequently failed to drive in a Grand Prix for over three years. “The evidence doesn’t get much more concrete than that,” the German said.

The FIA has yet to respond publicly to the request, though it is expected that President Jean Todt will issue an irritable croak at some point this afternoon.

Deutsch: Newly rebranded team principal Ross Braun

After Jenson Button’s departure from the team, formerly Brawn GP, rumours have persisted that new owners Mercedes wanted to create an all-German “über-team” to take on their former partners, the increasingly all-British McLaren.

Brawn confirmed today that the rumours were indeed true. “We’re looking for a German driver to race alongside Nico Rosberg,” he admitted, “but of greater concern is the fact that no all-German team could be complete when being led by a British team principal. Thus the decision has been made to rebrand me as a German for the duration of Mercedes’ tenure in F1.”

Brawn, or Braun as he now insists on being called, stood alongside his also-rebranded second-in-command Nick Frei as he took questions from an indignant crowd of journalists. One asked whether there was any truth in the rumours linking Michael Schumacher to the team: “Have you been in talks with Schumacher about a drive?”

Braun cagily answered, “I can confirm that I instructed Nick to contact Michael earlier about the possibility, but as yet we have not heard a response.” At this point, Frei excused himself, heard to be muttering, “He meant Michael? Oh, nein!”

Braun was also asked about whether his decision to take on German branding for 2010 and beyond was motivated by a lack of patriotism. However, the team boss denied this: “I can categorically say that my loyalty first and foremost will always be to this country, to Britain. Über alles,” he added.

Disturbing: The offending Mercedes livery

Mercedes’ 2010 colour scheme is based on the unpleasant chrome livery that has characterised the McLaren cars since 2006, but this new iteration of the paint job caused serious illness in those it was exposed to this morning.

Most of the gathered reporters and motoring enthusiasts suffered only mild vomiting, but in some unfortunate individuals the symptoms were more serious. “I suffered a wave of uncontrollable spasms down my left hand side,” one journalist revealed, “and now I can’t feel my thighs.”

Several of those present also suffered temporary blindness. Unconfirmed reports suggest that one member of the crowd had to have his arm amputated after suffering a severe allergic reaction to the livery.

“Suddenly this picture came up on the slide show,” one eyewitness remembered. “It was horrible, a sort of disgusting chrome colour. I had to shield my eyes almost immediately, but I wasn’t fast enough – my body was doing all it could to try and erase the memory of the picture. I hope I never have to see one in the flesh.”

Mercedes motorsport chief Norbert Haug was surprised by the reaction: “Yes, the colour scheme is a little extreme, but I think this is something of an overreaction,” he said. “Eventually people will just get used to it. They will see it; they will like it. There is NO CHOICE!”

Haug’s further comments were lost amongst the screams of those unfortunate enough to have been in Stuttgart this morning.