A Cotswold-based pressure group is planning to file a lawsuit against the Woking-based team, claiming that their chrome livery constitutes a “subliminal advertisement” for bath taps.

Subliminal: McLaren's car, "one big bath tap advert."

“It’s a disgrace,” said Reginald Scrotum, Conservative MP for the Cotswold constituency of Bigotry and Shouting, and patron of the Coalition for Robust Advertising Policies. “The advertisement of bathroom furniture is strictly controlled under European Union directives, and for too long McLaren have been allowed to get away with flouting these regulations by subliminally displaying the colour scheme of a major bath tap conglomerate on their cars.”

McLaren claim that, despite their car’s colour scheme, they are doing nothing wrong: “It’s no secret that our livery reflects our close association with a particular company,” a McLaren spokesman said. “However, by declining to display their name on our cars, we are confident that we are in compliance with all aspects of the law governing this matter.”

The Coalition for Robust Advertising Policies, however, disagree: “It’s a clear case of brand association,” Scrotum continued. “Why else would the team insist on covering their cars in such a foul livery? Obviously the message is to associate the cars with bath taps, and this is unacceptable.”

Legal action by the Coalition could force McLaren to change their team’s colour scheme to something more tasteful, but the team are confident that this is a long way off: “We are certainly not considering reevaluating our association at this stage,” the spokesman said. “After all, it is a commercial agreement that has left us – do I really have to say this? - flushed with success.”

Newey, widely regarded as one of the finest F1 minds of his generation, claims that the effect of the F-duct is to alter airflow towards the rear of the car, “stalling” the brains of other teams’ designers and reducing their ability to come up with speculative and complex ways in which the system might be considered to break the rules.

Concerned: Red Bull designer Adrian Newey

“The F-duct is a very clever piece of engineering, that’s for sure,” Newey said at Red Bull’s headquarters today. “However as designers we have to be concerned about the way this feature is affecting our ability to do our jobs.

“By changing the airflow over the back of the car, the F-duct affects the minds of rival team members who are trying to protest against McLaren’s ideas. The net effect is that our straw-clutching capacity is reduced, which means that we are less able to point out flaws with the system when it comes to formally complaining about them.”

The technical chief also went on to point out safety concerns with McLaren’s system: “If they are actively hindering the cognitive abilities of rival designers, it won’t be long before there is a serious problem. Somebody could end up doing something completely dangerous and stupid, like designing some kind of active suspension system and trying to hide it with heavily-built mechanics. That would be comical at best.”

Other teams have abandoned legal protests over McLaren’s system and have instead focused on copying it, though Sauber have thus far discovered that poking additional holes in their already-fragile chassis is not necessarily a good idea.

“It’s been a bit strange, having had the garage all to yourself for two seasons before someone else comes along and starts driving the same car as you, sharing your data and your engineers,” the 2008 world champion told journalists after qualifying for the Bahrain Grand Prix. “But I can see the benefit – it gives us a chance of winning the constructor’s championship as well, having two drivers scoring points for the team instead of one.”

New: McLaren teammates Button and Hamilton

Some reporters, confused about Hamilton’s apparent belief that he had competed in 2008 and 2009 without a teammate, approached team principal Martin Whitmarsh for clarification. Whitmarsh responded: “If we’d had a second driver at McLaren for the last two years, I’d certainly have known about it.”

According to the team boss, Hamilton had, initially, been confused about all of the talk surrounding the team’s new signing: “At one of the pre-season tests he came up to his race engineer, clutching his steering wheel. He wanted to ask which one of the dashboard functions was the Jenson button, and what it was supposed to do. A small misunderstanding, and one we were able to clear up quickly.”

Whitmarsh also sought to calm speculation on McLaren’s “neutrality” policy for 2010: “Our neutrality policy will only apply to Jenson,” he stated. “Specifically, Jenson will only be allowed to drive his car in neutral, whereas Lewis will be able to use all the gears. This is standard procedure.”

“Now that the situation with Jenson is understood,” Hamilton continued, “I’m looking forward to the challenge for this year. I’d like to thank the team for allowing me to beat Jenson this year – wait, I’m not meant to say that yet, am I?”

Lewis and Anthony mutually reached the decision to no longer be father and son after each decided to focus on furthering their own careers; Anthony’s burgeoning driver management business means that he may no longer be fully committed to providing paternal guidance to the McLaren driver.

Split: Former father-son pairing Lewis and Anthony Hamilton

“It was a tough decision, but one that we had to make,” Lewis said. “It’s got to the point now where Anthony needs to start looking after his own business interests, and I need to focus on winning another world championship without worrying about the strange man wandering the paddock looking miserable.

“I’d like to thank Anthony for all the work he has done in bringing me up,” Lewis added. “I’d also like to thank the team for allowing me to make this decision.”

McLaren have announced their intention to fill the “paternity” role for Lewis for as long as he needs, though the driver is known to be actively seeking a new father.

Meanwhile Anthony is busy making preparations for his forays into the world of young driver management: “I’ve been practicing my icy stares in the mirror,” he enthusiastically revealed. “I’ve pretty much got it sorted. Then there’s the small issue of understanding contracts and getting good deals for my clients, but I’m sure I’ll pick that up as I go along.”

The “divorce” of the Hamiltons is not quite unprecedented in Formula One; however, rumours in the early 2000s that Michael Schumacher was planning to resign as the brother of Ralf were never confirmed.

Motivated: F1 manager Anthony Hamilton

Hamilton, father of 2008 world champion Lewis, hopes to diversify his portfolio by allowing young drivers to test in 2009-spec Formula One machinery. He has arranged to lease two cars from McLaren at his own expense and is also expected to strike similar deals with other teams. The idea is then to hire out car and track time to aspiring racers.

“With no in-season testing in F1 it’s getting harder and harder for rookies to break onto the scene,” Hamilton explained while revealing his new business pursuit. “This is a great opportunity for talented people in the lower ranks of racing to test in F1 cars and get the experience required to be considered by F1’s top teams in the future.”

However, Hamilton has also conceded that the scheme also conveys benefits to him personally: “Of course, I wouldn’t be doing this if there wasn’t something in it for me.

“As I previously mentioned, the testing restrictions mean that running for young drivers is often limited. But it also means that I have little time to practice looking miserable and scowling whenever there’s a camera near me.”

Hamilton also believes that the business will make him more attractive as a driver manager: “As Flavio Briatore showed, it’s perfectly simple to be successful in the business of F1, even if you don’t actually know anything about motor racing, as long as you’re not too up-front about that fact. This will present the perfect cover to make it look like I am somehow even remotely qualified to manage F1 drivers.”