Intent: Lotus' team for 2010

“Some teams are struggling to find drivers who have the appropriate blend of experience and money,” Gascoyne said today. “However, by signing two drivers of the calibre of Jarno and Heikki, [Lotus boss] Tony Fernandes has made clear that the team will be moving in a very specific direction in 2010 and onwards.

“Basically, our plan is to qualify a fairly long way up the grid in each race, then drive very slowly around on Sunday afternoons, irritating the drivers behind us beyond measure. We aim to finish each race mired in midfield obscurity, having shown the potential of doing much better on Saturday but never quite delivering.”

Of all possible drivers, Lotus could have picked no better than these two: Trulli is well-known for his “Trulli train” technique of leading a group of faster cars during races, while being impossible to pass. Kovalainen, on the other hand, often qualified well in his McLaren days but faded during the race, particularly in the first stint.

“Heikki has never been particularly quick in the first stint of a race,” Gascoyne confirmed. “With no refuelling in 2010, the whole race is basically going to be one big first stint, so we’re confident that Heikki will be able to deliver exactly what is expected of him this year.”

Trulli admitted he was looking forward to the challenge of underperforming with a new team in 2010: “My whole career has been about unfulfilled promise,” he said. “What better place to continue that trend than with a team making impossibly ambitious predictions for 2010?”

Stolen: Lotus driver namesake Jarno Trulli

Lotus today announced that they had signed Heikki Kovalainen and someone called Jarno Trulli for the 2010 season, but the Italian says that he is not in any way linked to Lotus’ new signing.

“That’s not me,” an angered Trulli told journalists. “I have nothing to do with Lotus and will be commencing legal action for their improper use of my name.”

Trulli’s lawyer was contacted for a statement, which read: “My client, Jarno Trulli, has no relationship whatsoever with the Lotus Formula One team. The team have simply appropriated the glamorous and historic name of one-time Grand Prix winner Jarno Trulli and are wrongly using it to give their driver an air of historicity and past glory. Clearly this is unacceptable.”

Rumours on the identity of the “Trulli” signed by the team have been widespread, though nothing is yet certain – however, Fairuz Fauzy was spotted yesterday in Kuala Lumpur purchasing a false nose and a comically long brown wig.

The team’s technical director Mike Gascoyne was unfazed by threats of legal action when contacted, hard at work in the outfit’s Norfolk base. It is rumoured that Gascoyne is devising a whole new powertrain for Lotus’ first F1 car, to be launched in January, based upon harnessing the energy generated by Colin Chapman spinning in his grave.