Sporty: India's only F1 team

The government has denied that this sudden change of heart has anything to do with the recent upturn in fortunes of the Force India team, which claims to represent the country. Force India scored their first pole position on Saturday, courtesy of Giancarlo Fisichella, with the Italian also securing the team’s first points by finishing second behind the cheating Ferrari of Kimi Raikkonen.

“While we obviously welcome the excellent sporting achievements of our sports teams in this activity, which is quite clearly a sport,” a spokesman for the Indian sports ministry said, “We insist that the timing of this announcement is coincidence and nothing more.

“India has plenty to celebrate in sport,” he continued. “Just look at the recent Twenty20 cricket world cup.

“Actually, don’t,” he admitted, after it was pointed out that the tournament was won by neighbours Pakistan, while India faltered in the second group stage. “But anyway, it’s just a coincidence. As are the recent questions over whether Twenty20 cricket should be considered a sport or not. Okay?”

As an emerging market, India is high on the list of target destinations for future Formula One venues. So far proposed Indian Grand Prix plans appear to have stalled, though organisers are confident of having the first race on the subcontinent ready for 2011.

“An Indian team, an Indian race – now all we need is an Indian driver to fully immerse ourselves in this most sport-like of all sports,” the spokesman said, at which point Narain Karthikeyan was observed quietly protesting in the background. He was, however, ignored.

The Jerez test, where eight of F1’s teams for this year are trying out their new machinery on track at the same time, saw few on-track dramas as teams worked to perfect their all-new innovations. However, the lack of fireworks on the circuit was more than made up for by the soap opera unfolding in the paddock.

Controversy: Ferrari's transporter

A Force India truck driver, moving one of his team’s transporters, alerted the FIA when he claimed that a Ferrari lorry was “unsafely released” in front of him during the test session yesterday. “I don’t know what he thought he was doing,” the driver told journalists after the incident. “It was almost as if he was trying to barge my truck off the car park completely – it could have been very dangerous.”

The Ferrari trucker responsible blamed his Indian counterpart for the near-collision. “He should have been looking where he was going,” he said defiantly. “My truck is bigger, so I have right of way. Simple.” The Runoff Area could not possibly comment on whether the Ferrari employee’s nationality had anything to do with his “unique” road etiquette.

McLaren mechanics, who were for some reason watching the incident as it unfolded, immediately logged onto Internet forums worldwide and began complaining vociferously about the FIA’s “favouritism” towards the Ferrari truckers. “Ferrari should be disqualified from the championship and fined $100 million,” one particularly unoriginal team employee wailed. “In a GP2 test session earlier this month, the Super Nova team were fined for exactly the same thing, yet Ferrari will get away with this. It’s just not fair. Sob.”

The FIA have yet to issue a statement on the matter, although it is reported that they have dismissed a request from McLaren for twenty-five seconds to be added to Felipe Massa’s lap times.

Early leaks from the team factory suggest that, in a radical new interpretation of the 2009 technical regulations, Force India have managed to produce a car that is fairly similar in shape to the country of India itself. Some have speculated that these plans may be illegal under the 2009 technical regulations, but Force India boss Vijay Mallya – speaking privately to one of our sources – dismissed these claims.

Unorthodox: Artist's rendition of Force India's new car

“India is a nice, aerodynamically streamlined country,” Mallya said. “Obviously it’s quite wide in the north, then it sort of gets all pointy towards the south, which means that it is pretty much an optimal shape for airflow. We are confident that the 2009 car is within the spirit and the letter of the Technical Regulations, and look forward to seeing how it fares in competition.”

Rumours that technical director Mike Gascoyne was dismissed last year because “he couldn’t get the Madras coast right” have yet to be confirmed but have been substantiated by a number of sources.

This is not the first time an F1 car has assumed unorthodox proportions for marketing purposes – Ligier built a car in the 1970s shaped like a giant teapot as an advertisement for title sponsors PG Tips. Rumours were abundant in 2003 that Ferrari were planning to circumvent the tobacco advertising ban by producing a car in the shape of a giant packet of cigarettes, though the FIA is believed to have declared the design illegal. And as recently as 2007, Honda considered producing an “Earth car” that was actually shaped like the Earth, though it fared quite poorly in wind tunnel testing (even compared to the car they eventually did use in 2007).

Drivers Giancarlo Fisichella and Adrian Sutil, who will be piloting the Mercedes-powered vehicles for the new season, were unavailable for comment, though Fisichella is said to be “very ‘appy” with the new designs.