The mood is tense at the FIA headquarters here in Paris, as the Elders of the World Motor Sport Council prepare to hand down judgement on one of the most anticipated cases to have passed through the courts in many years.

Goody Domenicali of Ferrari stands accused of “using witchcraft and sourcery to interfere with the result of a Grand Prix.” These charges of godless heresy are extremely serious, such activities having been expressly banned for the best part of a decade.

Proceedings opened early this morning, with the accused taking to the dock amid a nervous babble from the gathered crowds. The prosecution opened with a damning question, “Is it not true that you, Goody Domenicali, are in league with the Devil himself?”

An image from the Ferrari trial (artist's impression)

Goody Domenicali denied the allegations, reminding the Court that the person in question “retired last November.”

The Court was disappointed to learn that an accomplice, Goody Massa, will not be attending in person. Upon hearing this the Elders instructed that a ducking stool, hastily assembled on the banks of the Seine, be dismantled.

Also absent today is Goody Alonso, who has escaped numerous similar trials in the past without punishment, usually in exchange for implicating others. Goody Alonso was instrumental in the exile of Goody Briatore last year, who was convicted of conjuring a Grand Prix victory in exchange for the soul of a young, quickly forgotten driver.

Despite the efforts of Goody Domenicali, it appears that there is a long way to go to convince the Court of innocence. The bonfire being constructed in the Place de la Concorde this afternoon suggests that the Court’s traditional approach to justice - that of “guilty until proven flammable” – shows no sign of being abandoned.

The Formula One Teams’ Association have declared that they agree with football fans who wish to see the vuvuzela banned for crowds watching World Cup games in South Africa.

The controversial horn-like devices have attracted complaints from fans, players and officials alike, who see them as an annoyance and a distraction.

“Having watched a few World Cup games on TV, we agree that the vuvuzela should be banned forthwith,” FOTA President Martin Whitmarsh said. “It defies belief that these professional sportspeople are expected to do their jobs in the face of such a massive distraction from the noise generated by these devices.”

The rest of Whitmarsh’s comments were drowned out by the sound of 24 passing V8 engines.

Red Bull have long insisted that no driver receives superior treatment from the team; however, this was called into question on Sunday night after their Director of Something-or-Other Helmut Marko appeared to be the only person in the world to think that the collision was Webber’s fault, rather than that of his overexuberant teammate.

Smashing: Red Bull's driver policy in action

Today Red Bull team principal Christian Horner confirmed that previous statements have been false: “Following speculation over whether we practice driver favouritism, we have decided to address those doubts by confirming that we do, in fact, intend to benefit one driver.

“That driver is Jenson Button.”

Though the announcement initially came as a shock, it was later reflected upon as being unsurprising. “We did everything we could to ensure that Jenson, and not Sebastian or Mark, won the world championship in 2009, and we intend to do the same this year,” Horner continued. “This has been done through a range of reliability issues, strategic errors, and when all else fails – as it did yesterday – brazen stupidity and incompetence, on the part of both our drivers and senior team staff.”

Button expressed his relief that the story had finally broken: “I’m glad it’s all out in the open now,” the 2009 world champion, one of the main beneficiaries of yesterday’s incident, claimed. “It’s been very embarrassing, having to hide the blatant bias of the Red Bull team in my favour up until now,” he added.

This latest announcement is believed to be related to the revelation that Red Bull’s preparations for the notoriously demanding Canadian Grand Prix include the use of Melbourne-specification brakes for the Montreal race. “It makes perfect sense,” Horner said.

Ferrari’s interpretation of the device, first seen on a McLaren earlier in the season, raised eyebrows at the Spanish Grand Prix when onboard footage saw the drivers briefly having no hands on the steering wheel as they operated the system, by blocking an air vent in the cockpit with their left glove.

Armless: Ferrari, without their F-duct

Ferrari has confirmed that it does not intend to use the F-duct again until the modifications are complete: “Our F-duct will remain inoperative until we have had Fernando [Alonso] and Felipe [Massa] modified to use the system safely,” a Scuderia spokesman said today. “We are currently consulting the world’s best surgeons to evaluate the possibility of giving each driver an additional arm.”

The weight distribution and balance implications of adding an extra arm to the driver are considerable, and the modifications may mean that the F-duct system is not re-introduced until after the European Grand Prix in June. However, the changes will carry the advantage of adding extra space onto the drivers’ race suits, allowing the team to earn millions more dollars using the space to not advertise various cigarette brands.

A column on Ferrari’s website, however, written by the anonymous “Horse Whisperer,” poured scorn on attempts to declare the current F-duct arrangement unsafe: “This is just idle chatter from teams jealous of Ferrari’s superior pedigree and historical accomplishment,” the unknown author said. “It makes me so angry that I could go and smash a television set.”

The Yorkshire-based team hit the headlines earlier this year when they were forced to reveal that they had failed to build their cars with sufficient space to accommodate all of the fuel required to complete a Grand Prix distance, and have had to make complicated and expensive chassis modifications to rectify the fault.

Setback: Problematic F1 team Virgin Racing

Unfortunately, the team stated last week that only Timo Glock would benefit from the modified chassis in Spain, with Lucas di Grassi having to wait. Initially the team blamed the delay on the team’s difficulties in getting back from the Chinese Grand Prix after an Icelandic volcano scuppered their travel plans, but their new statement makes much more sense.

“We loaded Lucas’ chassis onto one of our trucks as usual, and sent it off towards Barcelona,” a Virgin spokesman revealed. “Unfortunately the truck in question, er, ran out of fuel halfway down the M1.”

Virgin’s transporters are not allowed to refuel in the UK due to the high price of fuel, and a “petroleum budget” imposed on the team by meddling, high-ranking officials with little knowledge of how the team operates.

Despite the setbacks, Virgin boss Richard Branson was quick to put a positive spin on things: “This is the perfect endorsement of Virgin’s commitment to making F1 green,” the bearded entrepreneur told reporters. “Lucas’ car has travelled only a fraction of the distance usually covered by an F1 car in transit to a race, with a corresponding reduction in carbon emissions.”

Meanwhile, teams at the Spanish Grand Prix are locked in discussions over whether a chassis that has been substantially redesigned and re-homologated can really be considered a Virgin at all.