The mood is tense at the FIA headquarters here in Paris, as the Elders of the World Motor Sport Council prepare to hand down judgement on one of the most anticipated cases to have passed through the courts in many years.

Goody Domenicali of Ferrari stands accused of “using witchcraft and sourcery to interfere with the result of a Grand Prix.” These charges of godless heresy are extremely serious, such activities having been expressly banned for the best part of a decade.

Proceedings opened early this morning, with the accused taking to the dock amid a nervous babble from the gathered crowds. The prosecution opened with a damning question, “Is it not true that you, Goody Domenicali, are in league with the Devil himself?”

An image from the Ferrari trial (artist's impression)

Goody Domenicali denied the allegations, reminding the Court that the person in question “retired last November.”

The Court was disappointed to learn that an accomplice, Goody Massa, will not be attending in person. Upon hearing this the Elders instructed that a ducking stool, hastily assembled on the banks of the Seine, be dismantled.

Also absent today is Goody Alonso, who has escaped numerous similar trials in the past without punishment, usually in exchange for implicating others. Goody Alonso was instrumental in the exile of Goody Briatore last year, who was convicted of conjuring a Grand Prix victory in exchange for the soul of a young, quickly forgotten driver.

Despite the efforts of Goody Domenicali, it appears that there is a long way to go to convince the Court of innocence. The bonfire being constructed in the Place de la Concorde this afternoon suggests that the Court’s traditional approach to justice - that of “guilty until proven flammable” – shows no sign of being abandoned.

The Mercedes and Ferrari drivers were fighting over ninth place at the end of yesterday’s Grand Prix, when Massa suffered front wing damage after being squeezed into the wall while attempting an overtaking move. The Ferrari driver dropped to fifteenth position and was subsequently penalised for speeding in the pit lane while attempting to change his nose.

Broken: Massa's nose after the wall's vicious assault

“Having reviewed the incident between cars 3 and 7 toward the end of the race, the Stewards have decided that the wall into which car 7 was pushed was in a dangerous position and should have taken appropriate action to avoid the collision,” the announcement read. “The Stewards have therefore resolved to fine the wall USD 10,000 and issue an official warning that if such behaviour is repeated, the wall will be reminded very sternly that such behaviour should not be repeated.

“Moreover, the Stewards have declined to take action on car 3 for the incident, as the driver of car 3 should have expected a more mature and professional response from the wall in question. The Stewards hold the wall one hundred per cent responsible for the damage caused to car 7.”

Ferrari have already lashed out at the decision, with President Luca di Montezemolo particularly outraged. “These new walls are just incompetent and dangerous compared to the old, established walls that we are used to,” Montezemolo whispered, hoarsely. “Perhaps the better teams such as ourselves should be charged with providing extra walls for safer racing, taking the responsibility away from the dangerous mavericks that caused this problem.”

In a separate incident, the stewards also ordered that a strip of grass elsewhere on the circuit be dug up and moved a few metres further back on the track, as a penalty for damaging one of Schumacher’s tyres earlier in the race.

Both Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button were accused of breaking the rules – Hamilton of driving dangerously in the pit lane and Button of erratic driving behind the safety car – but neither received a penalty. Some critics pointed to Alexander Wurz, advisor to the stewards for the weekend and coincidentally a McLaren driver for six years, as the source of the apparent injustice.

Biased? China race steward Alexander Wurz

“Alex did an excellent job advising the stewards this weekend, but as ever we in the FIA are concerned about the image this gives the sport, with an ex-McLaren driver declining to punish drivers from that team,” an FIA spokesman said. “Thus we are unveiling a simple plan to halve bias in F1 stewarding decisions by next season.”

Instead of appointing ex-drivers to act as stewards, the FIA has decided to give the job to current drivers instead. “Consider Alex Wurz, who was a McLaren driver for six years,” the spokesman continued. “In his place, next season we intend to appoint Lewis Hamilton. He has only been a McLaren driver for just over three years, so we expect he will only be half as biased.”

The mathematics, logic and feasibility of these plans have already been called into question by some in the F1 world; the Grand Prix Drivers’ Association is said to favour a solution that involves them shouting at Hamilton for various real and imagined rule transgressions for a few hours before each race, rather than appointing drivers as race stewards.

FIA President Jean Todt was available for comment, irritably croaking at reporters.

According to FOTA, previous attempts to increase overtaking by reducing downforce have failed, and more radical solutions need to be sought if F1 is to become more entertaining for both casual fans and enthusiasts alike.

Technological: FOTA president Martin Whitmarsh

“There is a general consensus among F1 fans and insiders that things were much better in the past,” FOTA president Martin Whitmarsh told reporters. “The mid-1980s has been highlighted as a particularly popular era in F1’s history.

“What we are proposing is that teams stop trying to extract a few thousandths of a second with front wing upgrades and the like, and instead devote all of their resources to inventing a time machine, so that we can go back to the 1980s and relive the glory years of Formula One.

“If we can’t improve the show through regulating the sport as it is now, we should just go back to how it used to be. Literally,” Whitmarsh added.

FOTA believes that some of the world’s best brains are working in F1, and that the challenge of time travel should be easily overcome by such technical minds.

Already, however, controversy has erupted within FOTA over how the time machine should be designed, with some teams wanting to draw up rules to make sure the resulting machine is not big enough for certain teams to transport double diffusers or other “modern technologies” back into the 1980s and thereby gain an unfair competitive advantage.

Hamilton has recently been noted for his increasingly reckless driving both on and off the track, having been arrested in Melbourne for spinning his wheels away from a road junction and spotted weaving in front of Vitaly Petrov’s Renault in the Malaysian Grand Prix. In the latter case, F1 stewards warned Hamilton that if he were to do such a thing again, he would be “told very sternly not to do it again.”

Careful: Unnecessarily safe driver Lewis Hamilton

However, onlookers were shocked today in Hertfordshire when Hamilton was seen driving around his town centre with due care and attention, at one stage even slowing to allow an old lady to cross the road. “This is not what we expect from Lewis at all,” town councillor Kevin Hogwash told reporters. “Lewis has a strong reputation as someone who drives in exactly the opposite manner of a safe driver – he is a very good benchmark when we are advising young people in Stevenage how not to drive. What will they think now?”

Hamilton apologised for the lapse and blamed the absence of his father, Anthony, who recently resigned as Lewis’ manager in order to pursue his own business interests. “Since Dad hasn’t been around crashing expensive cars into trees, I’ve sort of lost my way,” the former world champion said. “I’m sorry that my driving hasn’t been to the usual low standard you have come to expect of me.”

The McLaren driver was later considered by Stevenage authorities to have redeemed himself after attempting to lie about where he had been that morning, and then telling a police officer to “go f***ing swivel.”