The Mercedes and Ferrari drivers were fighting over ninth place at the end of yesterday’s Grand Prix, when Massa suffered front wing damage after being squeezed into the wall while attempting an overtaking move. The Ferrari driver dropped to fifteenth position and was subsequently penalised for speeding in the pit lane while attempting to change his nose.

Broken: Massa's nose after the wall's vicious assault

“Having reviewed the incident between cars 3 and 7 toward the end of the race, the Stewards have decided that the wall into which car 7 was pushed was in a dangerous position and should have taken appropriate action to avoid the collision,” the announcement read. “The Stewards have therefore resolved to fine the wall USD 10,000 and issue an official warning that if such behaviour is repeated, the wall will be reminded very sternly that such behaviour should not be repeated.

“Moreover, the Stewards have declined to take action on car 3 for the incident, as the driver of car 3 should have expected a more mature and professional response from the wall in question. The Stewards hold the wall one hundred per cent responsible for the damage caused to car 7.”

Ferrari have already lashed out at the decision, with President Luca di Montezemolo particularly outraged. “These new walls are just incompetent and dangerous compared to the old, established walls that we are used to,” Montezemolo whispered, hoarsely. “Perhaps the better teams such as ourselves should be charged with providing extra walls for safer racing, taking the responsibility away from the dangerous mavericks that caused this problem.”

In a separate incident, the stewards also ordered that a strip of grass elsewhere on the circuit be dug up and moved a few metres further back on the track, as a penalty for damaging one of Schumacher’s tyres earlier in the race.

The new facility, set to open in 2011, was set to be constructed in the area around Bridge corner, before someone at the circuit pointed out that this part of the track is to be bypassed by most international events since the opening of the new “Arena circuit” layout earlier this year.

Wrong: New developments at Silverstone

Progress on the new complex is already going well, with foundations being laid and the pit wall having already been completed. The realisation that all of this is in the wrong place is sure to be a blow to Silverstone’s ambitions.

It has not yet been explained how such a catastrophic error could have happened, though the BRDC lounge’s traditional cocktail (a measure of gin combined with a tenuous grasp of reality) may have played its part in the debacle.

“Oh, bugger,” said BRDC President Damon Hill when informed of the news. “Clearly we will have to begin rectifying this issue right away. I fully intend to spend the next ten years drawing up spurious plans for how this problem will be solved.”

In other news, there was cause for slight celebration at Silverstone after the Northamptonshire circuit installed its first flushing toilet. Plans are already underway to connect the track’s buildings to the National Grid, the BRDC having acknowledged that the previous method of self-generated power was not cost-effective. “Oiling the hamster’s wheel every day was a time-consuming and costly activity,” Hill revealed.

According to statements from Beijing, the Shanghai International Circuit welcomed 520,000 fans over the three days of the GP weekend, with a record 300,000 attending on race day.

Well-attended: The Chinese Grand Prix

“This is truly a glorious day for F1 in China,” said China’s Minister of Accuracy and Truthiness, Hu Zhlai, said in a statement. “As the largest, most prosperous and best country in history, it is only fitting that we hold the record for the best-attended Formula One event since the sport began.”

Not all sources agree with the Chinese assessment, however, with many travelling fans reporting a very small crowd attending the race: “I didn’t see anything like half a million people,” one fan reported. “Most of the very few people who were there were obviously Chinese businessmen who had been press-ganged into attending.”

Another fan from China attempted to upload photos of purportedly empty grandstands onto his Facebook profile, only to find that once uploaded they had been replaced with photos of a smiling, statesmanlike Chairman Mao.

Officials in Beijing moved to vigorously deny allegations of exaggerating the attendance figures. “We take these allegations seriously and will be moving to ensure that doubts about their accuracy are not raised again,” said a spokesman for the Ministry of Freedom and Beatings.

The controversial attendance figures released on behalf of the Shanghai circuit are believed to be related to erroneous newspaper reports that circulated in the People’s Republic on Monday morning, claiming that the Grand Prix had actually been won by Renault test driver Ho-Pin Tung.

The extra loop on the circuit has met with a mixed reaction in the motorsport press, with some critics panning it for being too slow and adding little in the way of character to the track. Today, circuit bosses responded to this criticism for the first time: “Our track is already a very flat, unmemorable design in the middle of a vast and featureless desert,” a Sakhir spokesman said. “How much more character do you need?

Altered: Bahrain's Sakhir circuit

“In addition, we have to confess that there were some ulterior motives to our plan. We feel that Michael Schumacher could pose a problem here – at his age, it is only natural that he might want to pull over during qualifying and rest for a little bit.

“He is already familiar with the old layout of the track, which we believe means that he will know where all the best parking spots are. With this added extra section, we aim to make it more difficult for Michael to park up, which will ensure that the qualifying session – particularly the pole position shootout, by which time poor Michael will probably be exhausted, after all – will run smoothly.”

However, other circuit owners have slammed the plans: “It’s ludicrous,” said Damon Hill, president of Silverstone’s BRDC. “They’ve spent millions of dollars on adding a superfluous and unnecessary extension to the track that will contribute absolutely nothing to the racing. What a bunch of idiots.”

Flushed with success: A Silverstone toilet

The deal, between F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone and Silverstone owners the BRDC, was not completed until late last week due to disagreements over the fee charged by Ecclestone, and the refusal of the BRDC to upgrade the track’s facilities.

However, the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation (UNESCO) contacted the BRDC this weekend to inform them that the historic toilets at the Silverstone circuit were being designated a World Heritage Site.

“Documentation exists to suggest that these toilets have existed in more or less their present form since the fourteenth century, and in reality they are probably many centuries older than that,” a UNESCO spokesman said. “This is an unparalleled example of medieval-style sanitation in Europe, and for that reason we have bestowed World Heritage status upon the facilities.”

Silverstone’s toilets have been the bane of many motorsport fans’ existence for years, but the UNESCO announcement means that planned upgrades will have to be cancelled. “It’s such a shame in one sense,” BRDC president Damon Hill said, “because we had all these plans ready about how the toilets were going to be improved, and we were really going to implement them this time. Honest.”

However, reaction to the news has been mostly positive: “On the other hand, I’m very pleased that the UN has decided to recognise the historical relevance of Silverstone,” Hill continued. “It’s very important that fans gain a true medieval experience when they come to Silverstone, right down to the periodic outbreaks of plague.”