Red Bull have long insisted that no driver receives superior treatment from the team; however, this was called into question on Sunday night after their Director of Something-or-Other Helmut Marko appeared to be the only person in the world to think that the collision was Webber’s fault, rather than that of his overexuberant teammate.

Smashing: Red Bull's driver policy in action

Today Red Bull team principal Christian Horner confirmed that previous statements have been false: “Following speculation over whether we practice driver favouritism, we have decided to address those doubts by confirming that we do, in fact, intend to benefit one driver.

“That driver is Jenson Button.”

Though the announcement initially came as a shock, it was later reflected upon as being unsurprising. “We did everything we could to ensure that Jenson, and not Sebastian or Mark, won the world championship in 2009, and we intend to do the same this year,” Horner continued. “This has been done through a range of reliability issues, strategic errors, and when all else fails – as it did yesterday – brazen stupidity and incompetence, on the part of both our drivers and senior team staff.”

Button expressed his relief that the story had finally broken: “I’m glad it’s all out in the open now,” the 2009 world champion, one of the main beneficiaries of yesterday’s incident, claimed. “It’s been very embarrassing, having to hide the blatant bias of the Red Bull team in my favour up until now,” he added.

This latest announcement is believed to be related to the revelation that Red Bull’s preparations for the notoriously demanding Canadian Grand Prix include the use of Melbourne-specification brakes for the Montreal race. “It makes perfect sense,” Horner said.

The club, long a prestigious haunt for the Formula One community in the Principality, confirmed that a 41-year-old man had been “forcibly removed” from the premises after violating their code of conduct.

Denied: Monaco clubber Michael Schumacher

It is alleged that once the bell for last orders had been rung, Schumacher pushed his way to the front of the queue to be served drinks, jumping in front of fellow clubber Fernando Alonso. Bouncers quickly resolved the dispute by confiscating the German’s drinks and ushering him to the exit. “He didn’t seem to understand that once the bell for last orders is rung, it doesn’t make it a free-for-all,” a source from the club said. “We still have rules that need to be followed for the comfort and satisfaction of all our customers.”

Some onlookers, however, were not convinced. Bystander Arthur Gnomely told reporters: “It’s all a bit unfair if you ask me. Michael was asked by Ross Brawn to go and get some drinks at the last minute. He wasn’t to know about the rules! And Fernando was barely even in the queue, just shuffling along complaining about his shoes.

“I spotted Damon Hill having a word with the bouncers just before it all kicked off,” Gnomely continued, by now in a pointless rage. “I bet he had something to do with it.”

Meanwhile, a meeting of FOTA representatives at the same club had to be abandoned after none of them could agree on what cocktail to have. The idea of all having different cocktails apparently never occurred to them.

Ferrari’s interpretation of the device, first seen on a McLaren earlier in the season, raised eyebrows at the Spanish Grand Prix when onboard footage saw the drivers briefly having no hands on the steering wheel as they operated the system, by blocking an air vent in the cockpit with their left glove.

Armless: Ferrari, without their F-duct

Ferrari has confirmed that it does not intend to use the F-duct again until the modifications are complete: “Our F-duct will remain inoperative until we have had Fernando [Alonso] and Felipe [Massa] modified to use the system safely,” a Scuderia spokesman said today. “We are currently consulting the world’s best surgeons to evaluate the possibility of giving each driver an additional arm.”

The weight distribution and balance implications of adding an extra arm to the driver are considerable, and the modifications may mean that the F-duct system is not re-introduced until after the European Grand Prix in June. However, the changes will carry the advantage of adding extra space onto the drivers’ race suits, allowing the team to earn millions more dollars using the space to not advertise various cigarette brands.

A column on Ferrari’s website, however, written by the anonymous “Horse Whisperer,” poured scorn on attempts to declare the current F-duct arrangement unsafe: “This is just idle chatter from teams jealous of Ferrari’s superior pedigree and historical accomplishment,” the unknown author said. “It makes me so angry that I could go and smash a television set.”

The news comes just days after Fernando Alonso revealed that his thumbs had been insured for €10 million by Spanish bank Santander, in a move which had absolutely nothing to do with the one-year sponsorship deal announced at the same time between the driver and the bank’s insurance group.

Insured: Red Bull driver Mark Webber

According to the Red Bull team, Webber’s middle fingers, now covered for “several million” pounds, are “an essential part of his motor racing repertoire,” as they allow the Australian to express his opinions of his fellow drivers, without having to go through all the tedious business of swearing on live television.

“The diverse range of functions performed by Mark’s middle fingers mean that it is essential these assets are protected,” a Red Bull spokesman stated earlier today. “Not only do they allow him to express displeasure in an efficient manner, but they are also extremely useful for signalling what position he has finished in, behind Sebastian Vettel.”

The fad of Formula One figures insuring unusual body parts is set to catch on further, though so far no company has been willing to cover Eddie Jordan’s tongue, due to its high risk of damage incurred by overuse.

Both Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button were accused of breaking the rules – Hamilton of driving dangerously in the pit lane and Button of erratic driving behind the safety car – but neither received a penalty. Some critics pointed to Alexander Wurz, advisor to the stewards for the weekend and coincidentally a McLaren driver for six years, as the source of the apparent injustice.

Biased? China race steward Alexander Wurz

“Alex did an excellent job advising the stewards this weekend, but as ever we in the FIA are concerned about the image this gives the sport, with an ex-McLaren driver declining to punish drivers from that team,” an FIA spokesman said. “Thus we are unveiling a simple plan to halve bias in F1 stewarding decisions by next season.”

Instead of appointing ex-drivers to act as stewards, the FIA has decided to give the job to current drivers instead. “Consider Alex Wurz, who was a McLaren driver for six years,” the spokesman continued. “In his place, next season we intend to appoint Lewis Hamilton. He has only been a McLaren driver for just over three years, so we expect he will only be half as biased.”

The mathematics, logic and feasibility of these plans have already been called into question by some in the F1 world; the Grand Prix Drivers’ Association is said to favour a solution that involves them shouting at Hamilton for various real and imagined rule transgressions for a few hours before each race, rather than appointing drivers as race stewards.

FIA President Jean Todt was available for comment, irritably croaking at reporters.