Both Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button were accused of breaking the rules – Hamilton of driving dangerously in the pit lane and Button of erratic driving behind the safety car – but neither received a penalty. Some critics pointed to Alexander Wurz, advisor to the stewards for the weekend and coincidentally a McLaren driver for six years, as the source of the apparent injustice.

Biased? China race steward Alexander Wurz

“Alex did an excellent job advising the stewards this weekend, but as ever we in the FIA are concerned about the image this gives the sport, with an ex-McLaren driver declining to punish drivers from that team,” an FIA spokesman said. “Thus we are unveiling a simple plan to halve bias in F1 stewarding decisions by next season.”

Instead of appointing ex-drivers to act as stewards, the FIA has decided to give the job to current drivers instead. “Consider Alex Wurz, who was a McLaren driver for six years,” the spokesman continued. “In his place, next season we intend to appoint Lewis Hamilton. He has only been a McLaren driver for just over three years, so we expect he will only be half as biased.”

The mathematics, logic and feasibility of these plans have already been called into question by some in the F1 world; the Grand Prix Drivers’ Association is said to favour a solution that involves them shouting at Hamilton for various real and imagined rule transgressions for a few hours before each race, rather than appointing drivers as race stewards.

FIA President Jean Todt was available for comment, irritably croaking at reporters.

Uncharacteristic: Kimi Raikkonen in WRC

Raikkonen left Formula One last year to pursue a career in rallying, but so far his approach to the category has been met with scorn from those who have worked in the World Rally Championship for much longer.

“This is absolutely not what we expect from Kimi,” a WRC spokesman said. “After the end of a stage in the rally, Kimi sat in his car and was actually seen smiling by some sharp-eyed fans.

“Kimi came to the WRC on the understanding that his surly nature, indifference to the media and profound laziness would be a breath of fresh air compared to the usual hard work and friendliness of the drivers. However it’s emerged that Kimi is actually just the same as the rest of them. This is simply not on.”

Raikkonen claimed that he left F1 because he was “bored,” having decided that repeatedly crashing in obscure forests around the world was more exciting than repeatedly crashing on purpose-built circuits. Already it has been reported that he feels more at home in the world of rallying, though organisers continue to insist that such behaviour is unacceptable.

“We’re seriously considering giving Kimi 30 hours of PR work to do a week, so that he begins to understand how he is expected to behave,” a Citroen source said. “We have certain expectations and we do not intend to be let down.”

On advice from his team, Raikkonen only responded to the criticism with a bemused grunt, which WRC officials were reported to have said was “much better.”

Comeback: Former F1 driver Ide

Like Mercedes driver Michael Schumacher and Sauber hopeful Pedro de la Rosa, Ide last raced in F1 in 2006, participating in four eventful races for the fledgling Super Aguri team. Now the Japanese driver may make his F1 return for an as-yet-unspecified team, who could be looking for Ide’s unique blend of slight F1 experience and bizarrely erratic driving.

Ide’s F1 superlicence was revoked after he was deemed to have caused an accident on the opening lap of the San Marino Grand Prix, which the FIA judged to obviously be a much more serious offence than deliberately parking your car on a live track or brake-testing an opponent for poorly specified reasons. However, the Japanese driver has (presumably) gained much more experience in his years away from F1, and will be looking not to tarnish his new F1 career with similar errors.

“If Ralf [Schumacher] can seriously be considering an F1 return, so can I,” Ide explained today. “Really, it all went wrong for Super Aguri after I left. I was a pivotal part of that team and so I’d be glad to lend a hand to any new team struggling for success.”

The announcement of a possible F1 return for Ide provoked a storm of activity among the Japanese motorsport press, with several websites shamelessly plagiarising the story without bothering to check the source.

Controversial: Former F1 driver Irvine

Speaking about Hamilton’s new teammate for 2010, reigning champion Jenson Button, Irvine claimed that the McLaren newcomer would not stand a chance in the intra-team battle next season, stating: “I think he [Button]’s going to get murdered.”

Fans of the British star, F1’s first ever black world champion, have taken the Ulsterman to task for his choice of words, however. “This is blatantly an attempt to perpetuate the myth that all black people are criminals and murderers,” S. Shoes, Hamilton fan club spokesperson, said.

“As we know, all criticism of Hamilton is based on racism rather than any legitimate concerns over his ability, driving standards or personality,” Ms. Shoes continued. “However, Irvine’s comments reach a new level in that they are so transparently racist, this complaint doesn’t even count as straw-clutching.

“Everyone knows that Lewis would never murder or even slightly bruise any fellow competitor. Everyone, that is, apart from this particularly stupid Irishman.”

Hamilton himself was unmoved by the comments, thanking the team for allowing him to express no opinion whatsoever on Irvine’s diatribe.

Laud: The uncharacteristically silent Niki Lauda

Lauda, who won three world championships between 1975 and 1984, has been renowned in recent years for his brash, uncompromising attitude and lack of reservations over saying what he thinks. His opinions are often widely published in the motorsports press, such as in 2007 when he called Lewis Hamilton “the next big thing in F1,” and in 2008 when he called Lewis Hamilton “an overrated waste of space.”

However, with little in the way of Formula One news at present, journalists hoped to goad Lauda into saying something controversial about Michael Schumacher’s return to Formula One with Mercedes. The Austrian did not put anything on the record, citing “no need to talk about what has already been talked about over and over again.”

“This is truly baffling behaviour from Niki,” one F1 news analyst commented. “Over the last twenty years or so, talking about what has already been talked about over and over again was one of the hallmarks of Niki’s punditry. The kind of ill-informed, speculative, angry and entirely contradictory stream of quotes is exactly what we at Planet-F1 have been relying on for years.”

Concerns have been raised that Lauda may be feeling unwell, given the sudden and extreme nature of his departure from his usual personality.

When asked about Lauda’s unwillingness to cooperate, former F1 champion Jackie Stewart also shocked reporters by telling them to “go away.”