Bahrain GP Drinking Game

For poorly-specified reasons, this year’s F1 season opener will be at Bahrain rather than Melbourne, robbing UK-based F1 fans of a) a race that promises to actually be exciting for once and b) an excuse to be up at some ridiculous hour. As both an F1 fan and a student, it is therefore necessary that I compensate for these losses by getting outstandingly drunk. Hopefully, the Bahrain GP Drinking Game will assist in this noble aim.

(N.B. The game is designed for viewers of the BBC’s F1 programme. Fans in other countries are welcome to play but may miss out on having to follow some of the more BBC-specific rules.)

The Rules

Pre-Race

• If Eddie Jordan points out that he once ran an F1 team that won four Grands Prix, drink one shot.
• If Eddie Jordan points out that the Renault livery has “already been done,” drink two shots.
• Drink one shot for every occasion that Jake Humphrey is drowned out by a team firing up their engines.
• Drink one shot for every ex-world champion interviewed by the BBC team before the race.
• If Eddie Jordan and David Coulthard agree on something, drink two shots.
• If Martin Brundle avoids the Crown Prince of Bahrain for the entirety of his grid walk, drink two shots.
• If Martin Brundle interviews a grid girl or a track marshal, drink three shots.
• Drink three shots the first time “sand on the track” is used by a driver as an excuse for why he won’t be making a very good start. Drink an additional shot for every subsequent driver using the same excuse.
• Drink five shots if Eddie Jordan gets run over in the pit lane.

Race start

• If Jonathan Legard begins the race by announcing, “And we’re AWAY!” drink one shot.
• If Jonathan Legard begins the race by shouting “GOOOOOOOO!” in an obvious attempt to piss off James Allen, drink two shots.
• If Jonathan Legard begins the race by pointing out some obscure feature of the local architecture, drink three shots.
• If there is a first-corner pile-up, drink one shot. Drink an additional two shots if the pile-up subsequently turns out to be Adrian Sutil’s fault.
• If Mark Webber is caught up in the first-corner pile-up, drink an additional one shot. Drink a further one shot if any member of the BBC broadcast team subsequently remarks on how unlucky Webber is.
• Drink two shots if any two members of the same team fail to complete the first lap.
• Drink three shots if Heikki Kovalainen completes the first lap on three wheels.
• If Stefan GP attempt to illegally start the race, Hans Heyer style, drink five shots.

During the Race

• Drink one shot for each occurrence of the following words, used in the context of Michael Schumacher: “masterful,” “mercurial,” “superlative,” “inspirational,” “fabulous.”
• Drink two shots for each occurrence of the following words, used in the context of Michael Schumacher: “cheating,” “questionable tactics,” “broken leg,” “massive chin.”
• Drink one shot for every time a camera focuses on a scowling Anthony Hamilton.
• Drink one shot if John Button is shown on the screen with a girl on his arm. Drink two shots if, later in the race, John Button is shown again with a different girl on his arm.
• Every time a shot is shown of Christian Horner, which subsequently focuses on his rapidly jiggling leg, drink one shot.
• If Mark Webber’s trainer is shown punching his fist over-enthusiastically, drink one shot, and do twenty squat-thrusts.
• Drink one shot for each occurrence of the following words, used in the context of the four new teams (Lotus, Virgin, Campos, USF1): “struggling,” “underdog,” “not as good as Brawn were last year,” “it’s amazing they’re here at all.”
• Drink one shot each time it is pointed out that the new Lotus team “isn’t the proper Lotus.”
• Drink one shot every time a driver blames his failure to complete the race on “sand on the track.”
• If Jonathan Legard mistakenly starts shouting at a replay as if it were live action, drink two shots.
• If a team completes a four-tyre pit stop in under three seconds, drink two shots.
• If someone runs out of fuel, drink two shots.
• If Lee McKenzie points out that a driver “must be bitterly disappointed,” drink two shots.
• If that driver then responds by saying, “Yes, I am bitterly disappointed,” drink three shots.
• If Franz Tost tells Jaime Alguersuari he’s fired over the team radio, drink three shots.
• Drink three shots for every Virgin and/or HRT joke that is made by the commentators.
• If Lewis Hamilton receives a drive-through penalty for no readily discernible reason, drink three shots.
• If HRT lead a lap, stop drinking immediately and seek medical attention.
• If TV footage is shown of anybody obviously playing this game, drink five shots.

Post-Race

• Drink one shot if Jonathan Legard spends the final lap of the race filling in the details of the winning driver’s career with trivial and largely apocryphal information.
• Drink two shots if Martin Brundle’s response to Legard’s orgasmic explosion of shouting at the end of the race is: “Yep, it’s a good result for him.”
• Drink three shots if the winning driver gets lost on the way to parc ferme.
• Drink one shot for each driver who has to be ushered into the weighing room by an FIA official because they’re too busy high-fiveing each other and hugging their teammates.
• Drink two shots if two drivers have a very public shouting match on the way to the podium.
• Drink two shots if the drivers have to walk through a corridor of uncomfortable-looking scantily-clad girls on their way to the podium.
• Drink three shots if Michael Schumacher makes “conducting” motions very slowly if God Save The Queen is played on the podium.
• If a driver drops a champagne bottle from the podium and it breaks, spill your drink on the floor.
• If the BBC skip the post-race press conference due to a pressing need to show Gardener’s World reruns all afternoon, drink two shots and howl uncontrollably at the television set.
• If the post-race press conference is shown and Lewis Hamilton fails to thank the team, drink four shots.
• If the post-race press conference is shown and the drivers get into an orange juice fight, drink five shots.

Premier League Edition

Warning: This rule is only to be followed by those with reliable livers. Alcohol poisoning may otherwise result.

• Drink two shots each time the phrase “for sure” is used.

Thanks for all the rule contributions, I’ve used some of the best ones to add to the game. So print out the rules, get the beers in, watch the Bahrain Grand Prix on the BBC and enjoy the start of the 2010 F1 season! Follow The Runoff Area on Twitter for live coverage of the Bahrain Grand Prix, complete with an update on how the drinking game is going. Assuming Red is still conscious.

Please drink responsibly.