The Runoff Area

Paris, Sunday: New FIA president Jean Todt has ushered in a new era at motorsport’s governing body, this weekend implementing the first of many changes he expects to introduce as he settles into his new role.

Croaky: New FIA President Jean Todt

Reports suggest that one of the Frenchman’s first edicts since assuming the presidency has been to redecorate his new office at the Place de la Concorde. Though no journalists have yet been allowed to visit, it is understood that Max Mosley’s more traditional desk and chair have been thrown out, replaced by what has been described as “a nice, comfortable lily pad.”

Todt has also arranged for a daily shipment of flies and other invertebrates to be delivered to him “for feeding purposes.” Reports that he was last seen attempting to fashion himself a burrow inside one of his office’s cupboards have yet to be confirmed.

Officially the FIA have not commented on the reports, but an unofficial source explained that Todt’s behaviour was not considered to be a problem: “We have had all sorts at the FIA over the years. Most recently, Max sectioned off the whole of the basement, for reasons we can only imagine.

“To be honest, this is not particularly unusual behaviour for a new FIA president, especially one who happens to be an amphibian.”

It has however been suggested that moves to curtail Todt’s behaviour may be taken in preparation for the spring. “That’s breeding season,” our source explained, “and we’re a bit worried that his mating calls might upset some of the delegates.”

Todt’s only comment on the matter was an irritable croak, which is expected to shortly replace Kimi Raikkonen’s “bemused grunt” as the most overused phrase here at The Runoff Area.

Manchester, Saturday: British car servicing company Kwik-Fit have announced that they are planning to apply for the chance to become Formula One’s sole tyre supplier after Bridgestone leave the sport at the end of 2010.

Kwik: F1 tyre supply hopefuls Kwik-Fit

The Japanese tyre manufacturer has cited spiralling costs in F1 as the primary factor in its decision to leave, and so far the major tyre manufacturers of the world have not been enthusiastic about joining the sport. Kwik-Fit, however, believes it can bring a new direction to F1 with its famed emphasis on speed.

“With our expertise in making things happen quickly, we’re sure that Formula One is going to be the best possible environment in which to test our services,” a Kwik-Fit spokesman said. “After all, you can’t get quicker than….no, wait, you can’t get fitter….oh, bollocks, what was it again?”

Despite the fact that Kwik-Fit does not actually manufacture tyres, instead only fitting them to people’s cars, the company insisted that this would not be a problem: “We’ve got a load of old tyres lying around in our workshops that will do just fine on a Formula One car,” the spokesman continued. “Who cares about boring things like compounds and construction? We’re all about low-cost and high-speed – just like Formula One these days. Although the costs seem to be inexplicably high and everything seems to happen much slower than it should. Go figure.”

The FIA has not responded to Kwik-Fit’s statement of intent yet, although FIA President Jean Todt was reported to have croaked irritably at the news.

Abu Dhabi, Monday: McLaren have revealed that yesterday’s disappointment at seeing Lewis Hamilton retire from the inaugural Abu Dhabi Grand Prix was relieved somewhat by their ability to put the faulty component on the British driver’s car to use.

Broke: Hamilton after qualifying

The former world champion had started the race from pole position, having set the pace throughout the weekend, but struggled with a failing rear brake as the race unfolded and eventually had to retire after ceding the lead to Sebastian Vettel at the first round of pit stops.

However, Hamilton’s early bath was not completely devastating for the team, who extracted the overheated component from the car and used it to fire up the team’s post-race barbecue.

“We’re actually quite grateful to Lewis for cooking his brakes,” team principal Martin Whitmarsh told the media. “In the spirit of conserving energy, which will be a big factor in the sport’s future, we decided to re-use the overheated brake discs by putting them to use in the barbecue. It was an excellent way to round off the season and we’re pleased to report that the burgers tasted better than ever before.”

Ron Dennis, returning to the McLaren pit after his “voluntary” retirement from the team’s F1 division earlier this season, expressed his “activity in the satisfactory centres of the brain” with the catering.

Hamilton’s early retirement also meant that the barbecue could be moved forward by approximately an hour, so that the team were already eating and enjoying themselves by the time the team’s second driver Heikki Kovalainen pulled into the garage at the end of the race. “What? We have a second driver?” a bewildered Whitmarsh exclaimed.

Castle Donington, Friday: Donington Ventures head honcho Simon Gillett has admitted his disappointment that he was unable to secure the British Grand Prix at Donington Park from 2010 onwards, after Bernie Ecclestone confirmed that his latest payment to the F1 supremo would be rejected as it was made beyond an established deadline.

Disappointed: Donington chief Simon Gillett

“Obviously it’s a huge disappointment,” Gillett explained. “I was really looking forward to having lots of photos taken of me standing around in a hard hat, pretending to look like I was contributing something to this whole scheme while a bunch of contractors did the real work.”

The minimal work that has been done at Donington so far, such as dismantling its iconic Dunlop Bridge, has been deemed insufficient to meet the standards necessary for Formula One, and so the British Grand Prix is without a home for 2010 – although there is still hope that a deal will be struck between Ecclestone and Silverstone, where the race has been held numerous times throughout the sport’s history.

“Oh damn, it was a bit of a mistake taking down that bridge, wasn’t it?” Gillett asked, slapping his hand to his head theatrically. “What a shame.”

A quick Internet search reveals that a user named “gilly2010″ is currently selling something that looks suspiciously like the Dunlop Bridge on eBay. Gillett denied all knowledge of this transaction.

Meanwhile, British Racing Drivers’ Club boss Damon Hill has confirmed that he and his team have drawn up plans for a £25 million revamp of Silverstone. “Would you just look at these brilliant plans,” Hill beamed yesterday.

When asked precisely what work was going to be done in the coming months, Hill said: “Work? But we’ve done all the work. Here’s the result,” again proffering the plans.

Reporters then asked Hill how long the improvements would take to be made. “What improvements?” Hill responded. “These are just plans. I don’t think we need to actually implement them.”